News
Law Practice
Jun. 25, 2002
May the Feng Shui Be Harmonious for You
Dicta Column - By Donald E. Griffith - You might have read recently about the feng shui fiasco in Sausalito, where residents had a fit over a proposed police-fire building, whose energy flows were apparently not harmonious. According to the local feng shui expert, the energies were not balanced at all, leading to inadequate arrows of sha and blocked Qi mouths, or vice versa, I'm not sure which.
Dicta Column
By Donald E. Griffith
You might have read recently about the feng shui fiasco in Sausalito, where residents had a fit over a proposed police-fire building, whose energy flows were apparently not harmonious. According to the local feng shui expert, the energies were not balanced at all, leading to inadequate arrows of sha and blocked Qi mouths, or vice versa, I'm not sure which.
In any event, this unbalanced assessment got me thinking. After all, when I tell California lawyers I have an Eastern legal background, they are immediately impressed, as they assume I mean the Far East. I haven't got the heart to tell them I only meant New York City, though I did spend a substantial amount of lunch money across the street from the courthouse in Chinatown.
So, if a city can object to a building based on inadequate arrows of sha and Qi mouths being blocked, why can't I make similar objections to opposing counsel's litigation strategy in court? After all, my losses certainly can't be attributed to my own lack of legal ability, so it must be caused by bad feng shui.
How, then, do I apply these Eastern teachings to the modern courtroom? Why, through feng shui litigation tactics, of course.
A quick case law search turned up no cases on point, so this seems to be a matter of first impression - which means you can at least make the argument with a straight face. So here are some feng shui litigation tactics you can use to put your opponents' energies out of whack. I'm always looking for more, so let me know if you've had any success convincing a judge or jury that your client deserves to win because her yang outweighs her yin.
• Insist on a feng shui audit of any conference room before a deposition or settlement conference. Not only will this ensure the energies are properly balanced, but your opponent will insist on having his own feng shui expert audit your expert's audit. A battle of the feng shui experts is sure to ensue.
• Just when counsel is about to ask your star witness a crucial question, object, insisting your chi is out of alignment and that you need to take a break to reset it.
Insist that opposing counsel never turn his or her back to you during opening and closing arguments. Too bad if the jury can't see him; it's a small price to pay for a well-balanced courtroom.
• Bring in your own "Luck of the Carp" windsocks and hang them from counsel's table during the trial. Mark one with an exhibit sticker. Your opponent won't know whether you've got a piece of evidence he or she doesn't know about, and the jury will constantly wonder what it is. Plus, it just might work.
• Place three earth stones in the southwest corner of the courtroom. Not only does this represent good luck but romance as well. After all, you never know who you might meet in the jury pool.
• Put a couple of Foo Dogs on that little swinging gate between counsel's table and the gallery. These will ward off evil spirits and maybe even that rebuttal witness your opponent has in his back pocket.
• Ask the judge whether you can rearrange counsel's tables so your back isn't to the door. This angle is also a much better profile for the cameras in the courtroom.
• Burn a little rosemary incense just before the witness you need to cross takes the stand. It's purifying qualities will prevent him or her from lying, plus most musty courtrooms could use a little aromatic adjustment anyway.
• Work your meditation balls during opposing counsel's closing argument. You'll feel relaxed before your statement, and maybe, just maybe, it'll distract the jury.
• Present your damages calculations on a gold abacus. This should bring you and your client wealth.
• If you lose, make a motion for a new trial, arguing that the courthouse was not in the right energy field, which caused the jury to miss the point entirely.
• Present all your briefs written in calligraphy. It may take more time, but darn it, it'll look good.
• Hide a mirror under your opponent's table facing his feet. He won't get a good night's sleep, and the jury will think he's so vain as to enjoy looking even at his own feet.
• Insist that the jury return its verdict in nine separate red envelopes, which not only will prevent bad luck (namely a verdict against you) but means you won't have to get holiday envelopes for your holiday cards.
•
• And don't forget your bamboo wealth luck kit. After all, it's made the merchant wealthy selling them, so there's got to be something to it.
Donald E. Griffith, a Los Angeles lawyer and writer, can be reached at soupdejure@yahoo.com.
By Donald E. Griffith
You might have read recently about the feng shui fiasco in Sausalito, where residents had a fit over a proposed police-fire building, whose energy flows were apparently not harmonious. According to the local feng shui expert, the energies were not balanced at all, leading to inadequate arrows of sha and blocked Qi mouths, or vice versa, I'm not sure which.
In any event, this unbalanced assessment got me thinking. After all, when I tell California lawyers I have an Eastern legal background, they are immediately impressed, as they assume I mean the Far East. I haven't got the heart to tell them I only meant New York City, though I did spend a substantial amount of lunch money across the street from the courthouse in Chinatown.
So, if a city can object to a building based on inadequate arrows of sha and Qi mouths being blocked, why can't I make similar objections to opposing counsel's litigation strategy in court? After all, my losses certainly can't be attributed to my own lack of legal ability, so it must be caused by bad feng shui.
How, then, do I apply these Eastern teachings to the modern courtroom? Why, through feng shui litigation tactics, of course.
A quick case law search turned up no cases on point, so this seems to be a matter of first impression - which means you can at least make the argument with a straight face. So here are some feng shui litigation tactics you can use to put your opponents' energies out of whack. I'm always looking for more, so let me know if you've had any success convincing a judge or jury that your client deserves to win because her yang outweighs her yin.
• Insist on a feng shui audit of any conference room before a deposition or settlement conference. Not only will this ensure the energies are properly balanced, but your opponent will insist on having his own feng shui expert audit your expert's audit. A battle of the feng shui experts is sure to ensue.
• Just when counsel is about to ask your star witness a crucial question, object, insisting your chi is out of alignment and that you need to take a break to reset it.
Insist that opposing counsel never turn his or her back to you during opening and closing arguments. Too bad if the jury can't see him; it's a small price to pay for a well-balanced courtroom.
• Bring in your own "Luck of the Carp" windsocks and hang them from counsel's table during the trial. Mark one with an exhibit sticker. Your opponent won't know whether you've got a piece of evidence he or she doesn't know about, and the jury will constantly wonder what it is. Plus, it just might work.
• Place three earth stones in the southwest corner of the courtroom. Not only does this represent good luck but romance as well. After all, you never know who you might meet in the jury pool.
• Put a couple of Foo Dogs on that little swinging gate between counsel's table and the gallery. These will ward off evil spirits and maybe even that rebuttal witness your opponent has in his back pocket.
• Ask the judge whether you can rearrange counsel's tables so your back isn't to the door. This angle is also a much better profile for the cameras in the courtroom.
• Burn a little rosemary incense just before the witness you need to cross takes the stand. It's purifying qualities will prevent him or her from lying, plus most musty courtrooms could use a little aromatic adjustment anyway.
• Work your meditation balls during opposing counsel's closing argument. You'll feel relaxed before your statement, and maybe, just maybe, it'll distract the jury.
• Present your damages calculations on a gold abacus. This should bring you and your client wealth.
• If you lose, make a motion for a new trial, arguing that the courthouse was not in the right energy field, which caused the jury to miss the point entirely.
• Present all your briefs written in calligraphy. It may take more time, but darn it, it'll look good.
• Hide a mirror under your opponent's table facing his feet. He won't get a good night's sleep, and the jury will think he's so vain as to enjoy looking even at his own feet.
• Insist that the jury return its verdict in nine separate red envelopes, which not only will prevent bad luck (namely a verdict against you) but means you won't have to get holiday envelopes for your holiday cards.
•
• And don't forget your bamboo wealth luck kit. After all, it's made the merchant wealthy selling them, so there's got to be something to it.
Donald E. Griffith, a Los Angeles lawyer and writer, can be reached at soupdejure@yahoo.com.
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